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Lawd Hammercy

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Sep. 16th, 2016 | 05:36 pm
location: Raleigh, NC

All the ads on my computers, especially social media, are either for things that I already bought (gymnastic programs or kettlebells) or for Donald Trump.
I'm about as opposed to Trump as is imaginable. What algorithm are they running that makes them think I want anything to do with these ads, or that I'm receptive at all to viewing them?


My therapist advises me to 'get out'. She thinks I need to get out and do new things, meet new people, until I find something that gets me excited. This came after I conveyed to her that I hadn't really felt excited in years (I literally can't remember when I was last excited beyond 'hey, they've got Mountain Dew in glasses bottles' levels of excitement). The inverse is also true. I did some really, really dangerous stuff not too long ago and felt no course of adrenaline. I jumped off a cliff into rapids and did so about as casually as one might hop off a loading dock on the pavement below.

My therapist advises I do this before I worry about 'fixing' anything else in my life (re: relationship) because I might replace loneliness with being alone and that's a no-win scenario if there ever was one.

Problem is, I don't know what to do to find places to do things. I'm $35k in debt, with a third of my income going towards paying it down (and a glacial rate), and I'm seriously injured in two major joints. None of that sounds like the point with which to start a new social life.
I can't even think of anything to do. Go to a museum? Maybe pick up a sport? I have an eleven-hour day! Most of Sunday is taken up with kung fu (10am to 3:30pm, though they're talking about starting at 9am, so of course I'm considering it), writing, and whatever chores I don't get to during the week. Saturday I teach kung fu until noon. You know how stressful it is trying to do all your living on Saturday afternoon? And I get to fit a social project in there too?


That was a recurring theme in therapy of late: I'm so tired of having to do everything myself. From helping family with emotional problems to cleaning the bathroom, it's either I do it or it doesn't get done.
And as I write this, I have the strangest sense of deja vu.
I think I've written sentences like this before.
I'd check but I'm both scared to. Both to reveal I've been complaining about this for fifteen years and to have to read my old LiveJournal entries. That's a level of emo I don't need. I'm not ashamed of who I was, but I damn well am ashamed of some of what I wrote when I was that person. Any artist would be. :P

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